Thursday, December 16, 2010

Your Junk Ain’t That Pretty, Get Over It!

A few quick words from t-BONE. I have been inundated with requests for new posts over the last week. I appreciate your interest but seriously CHILL THE EFF OUT BRO! It’s not that easy finding time to post when you have to keep on keeping awesome 24/7. That and I don’t want to overexpose myself too early in my career only to fail miserably in sustaining a long and fruitful blog for my fans. I refuse to be the Vanilla Ice of blogging. I am limiting my exposure to just the right amount, I mean this isn't a maximum exposure contest.  Now on the show…

A couple of weeks ago you couldn’t turn on the news without hearing about how the TSA was molesting passengers and trying to scan pictures of their junk with these fancy new machines. I have debated with several friends over the past year about the use of body scan machines. I would say most people really could care less if someone gets to see their junk in order to remain safe on a plane. I agree and would also gladly submit to a full body pat down without insertion to ensure that I get to my destination safely.  There are others who think that pat downs and body scans are over the line and an invasion of their privacy. These people are morons who deserve to spend 18 hours on a Greyhound bus next to a flea infested wino with a wandering hand the next time they need to get somewhere.
Even if the person operating the body scan can see your junk do you really think they care? I mean it’s not like they are looking at high definition imagery of your business. It’s an outline of your body, which is hardly worth getting excited about unless you’re a thirteen year old boy going through puberty and have an endless supply of hormones pumping through the lower half of your body. I am certainly not spending money on a pair of panties that are going to keep TSA from seeing my junk in the case that I do get body scanned. Quite frankly I would be deeply flattered if anyone on the street thought that I had some junk worth photographing.
For those that are embarrassed about how their junk looks or think that someone will doing something with the photos to embarrass you, you need to get a hobby. If you’re embarrassed about your junk and afraid of someone seeing it, don’t be, because then it is definitely not the kind of junk they are looking to see. If you are afraid someone will take your junk image and do something embarrassing with it, get over yourself. I bet there are much more embarrassing photos of you out there on Facebook or under your college roommate’s mattress.
Pat downs on the other hand aren’t ideal but are necessary. Do I want some stranger rubbing me down in front of a bunch of other strangers while I stand there shoeless, beltless and helpless? YES! It sounds like your last trip to the gentleman’s club doesn’t it? Clearly you don’t mind activity; it just needs to be in the right setting. t-BONE gets that, but seriously if it prevents another 9/11 it’s worth it. You can also create the right setting in your mind. Just close your eyes and pretend you just paid $12 for a beer and that the husky TSA agent is a vanilla-scented single mom named Ginger who is trying to put herself through college. Considering you will spend $12 on a beer before you take off and you are getting some physical contact, it will all come together nicely. And it really does make the whole travel experience much better.
In summary, I think we can all agree that being safe is better than not being safe. If someone has to take a picture of our naked bodies to make sure we are safe then we should let them. If we let the fear of nudity keep us from safe travel then the terrorists have won. Just remember: life’s short, party naked. If you party like you travel then it won’t matter much to you anyway. If all else fails, Ginger…
Just to let you know that I was on schedule to post this a week ago. I was writing it on the plane and after a couple of drinks I fell asleep and couldn’t finish it up until now. Because of the delay in postings, and as an apology to my BONERS, I have included a bonus rant on air travel to the right.  Enjoy and stay thirsty my friends.


  1. I've been saying this for weeks now. Stop bitching! Not you T-Bone, but the morons who take issue with the searches and scans. I'm talking to the "boycotters" who are refusing the pat down. The Tea Party crazies who say that it's Un-American. You know what's Un-American? Terrorism!

    I travel quite a bit, and am not a fan of terrorism. Thus, I will be inconvenienced for 5 minutes, so that I can be sure no asshole with a bomb gets on my flight. So, you have to pat me down...who cares? If you have a problem with it, then you probably should stop traveling with cocaine and counterfeit money. In fact, if you have such an issue with it, I hope you wind up on a flight with one of these psychopaths, just to drive the point home. Harsh? Maybe, but I'm feeling ornery right now, and bit fired up.

    As for the what? Who's looking at you? You are not that attractive, and not as popular as you would like to think. No one will put your skeletal photo on the web. You know why? No one knows who you are. You're not the President. You're not Richard Greico. Get over it. I'll have a more embarrassing photos of me put up on Facebook from NYE this year, than anything a TSA agent could provide. Hell, I'll probably post it myself...that's how self-centered I am.

    Get it together people. Listen to the Bone. T-Bone has it right.

    J-Bone Out!

  2. I'm not crazy about these things on a theoretical level... that whole “those who would give up their liberty for a little security deserve neither" quote by one Benjamin Franklin resonates (and I am not a tea partier). It’s not vanity, I assure you. Nobody wants to see that picture on the interwebz.

    That being said, I don’t bitch or request a pat down when selected to go through the body scanner. I am generally uncomfortable for about 30 seconds, then I go get a soft pretzel.

  3. I look good naked. Take as many pictures as you want!